My Ray of Sunshine

“Hi I’m Ray, can we be friends?”—That was the first message that I received from an unknown number after Mac and I broke up. How timely, I thought, that the heavens let me get something like that as a consolation for my broken heart and dreams. I replied, “Who are you and where did you ever got my number? Do I know you?”

Ray’s first impression about me was fierce. He told me that he even thought I was a tall woman who’s already 20-something. He didn’t expect that I was only sixteen that time, still vulnerable and young. He was 22 years old. Fresh out of college, he’s dreaming of having his own restaurant or his own bar. He was teaching me how to mix drinks and cosmos through text, though I never really fancied drinking.

He knew how to push the right buttons. He made me spill my biggest desires in life. We met up during one of our choral competitions in Glee Club and supported me all the way, win or lose, trophy or no trophy.

His letters, how he writes them, how he dedicates every song to me made me feel alive again. I showed him the "Best of Lily". No hold barred. Even though I felt that it was too early to jump in yet another relationship, I did.

And with him, I truly felt the real meaning of love. A real relationship that is built on trust and respect. He even made me jump into one of the most important decisions in my life — applying to the college where I will spend four wonderful years of learning.

Ray was there. He loved even the worst of me. Even with the six year difference, we felt as if were equals.

Then and there, I started thinking of wedding bells and fluffy gowns. I was Charlotte York of Sex and the City all of a sudden. He said he wanted to be married at the UST Church. He plans to go abroad to save for his future family. He wanted to have a very happy home for his kids. And though I’m still young, I never thought that I was changing his life because he was fixing himself as he was having second thoughts on the idea of a good relationship because his Mom and Dad got separated years ago.

As he fixed my heart, we began fixing the both of us.

Catching Long Distances

At first it was heavenly. Thanks to cellular phones, Mac and I could finally text each other every day. We could talk once in a while and feel as if were not that apart. At least for a few months.

I was loyal by nature. Because I respect Mac and what we have, I never once looked at any boy, stating the fact that I am living at Manila and Subic is really a far place for me. No matter how my other best friend, Adrienne tries to sell me out to her guy friends, I never gave up on him.

My heart was with him for six months. And then some.

I never thought I would grow tired of loving him. I waited patiently for the day that he'd seriously consider studying in Manila for College.

"It's not in the cards", he said.

I wanted to tell him that its possible, after all, two years is enough to make him change his mind.

But he didn't budge. I saved my love for nothing. And then I realized that I could not get to him any longer. I just have to save myself for someone who would be willing to run through the odds with me.

Then when my heart bruised badly, Ray was there to pick up the pieces back.

Awkward

"Hi! This is for you.", he said.

"Thanks, you remembered.", I said, as if I wasn't blabbing about loving Tweety Bird since the first day we talked.

After telling me that he has been missing me and have been waiting for my answer, he led me to the church where his cousin's supposed to get baptized. For someone as hopelessly romantic as myself, it was one of the best things I loved about Mac. He would surprisingly glance every moment he could. Sometimes, I feel like Julia Roberts and he is Hugh Grant in Notting Hill, like I am the prettiest girl in the planet, even if we live three hours away from each other.

"Hello? Of course, yes!", I finally blurted.

Then, just like in the movies, he hugged me too close while I felt happy and a bit sad.

I have a boyfriend again, but as miles separated us, I'm not sure if my heart should restrict how I feel for him. Because as sure as hell, I'm scared of getting hurt.

I Left My Heart in Subic

"Mac?, is this really you? How? When? Why?", yes, little old me, a staffer of our school paper couldnt even write a proper text message for her crush. Ask me to write a poem and it'll be ready in a few minutes. But this? Not one of my finest moments ever.

He then replied, "Tita Cely gave me your number. She was asking if you would like to be her son, Benedict's, godmother. I would be a ninong too, you know?"

See, I figured this is exactly the reason I needed to go back to their place. And since there's no one to take me to Subic but my parents, going to the baptism is my cue. Then I asked my parents and they said yes to my first inaanak.

"Okay, I'm going to the baptism, so I'll meet you there, I guess", I texted him back.

After that, we have been texting each other for days. He also asked me if I could be courted. I seem to be hesitant at first but gave in eventually. Our families are friends anyway, and having a boyfriend in an all-girl school, priceless.

Come July, I was ready to give my "yes" to him. As we got off the bus from Manila, he was there, waiting, with a Tweety Bird stuffed toy in his arm. Sweet.

Back to Reality

The two days I've spent with Mac has been like a roller coaster ride. I can always feel the rush, but seems like it has to end anyway. Back in Manila, my friends are yet waiting for me to tell them my "dream vacation" with my dream guy. How it remains to be a dream, that I was never sure of.

Macy was waiting for my school bus to arrive on a Monday morning. And because I was having migraine due to my period, I stayed mum when I saw her standing at our school's gate.

"Hey, how are you?", she said. "Same, same. I got a tan and my Dad is giving me a new phone. But I don't know about today. Big Biology test right?", I stared at her blankly while saying my much rehearsed line and make her understand that I don't wanna talk about the trip. "Um, okay, if you say so. Congrats on the phone by the way", and by that, she got the message.

Days have passed and juggling Glee Club, Statistics and Biology was rather dreadful. I stayed the same zombie-like person for almost a week until I got my first cellular phone. And since youre considered cool when you finally have one, the whole barkada tested it then and there.

Then one night, the history of being one of the coolest girl even made it better.

"Hi Lil, how are you?", the text message said.

"Um, who's this? And how did you get my number?", I replied.

"This is Mac from Subic. Don't you remember me anymore?", it followed.

I think it feels like one of the Charmed episodes when Phoebe Halliwell has premonitions of the events that are going to happen. I remained calm, but I was definitely feeling all mushy and remembering the rush during the night we talked under the stars.

Then I said, "Oh, so you did track me after all? I've waited for you for weeks you know?".

How I got the courage to send it? Maybe it was the miles separating us. This I just have to do. My heart says I should take the risk or lose it all.

And I Saw The Stars

After much flirting with Mac with the video camera, I finally had the guts to ask for his name. Yeah, because I'm so cool like that.

"Hey! Mac right?", I asked. "Yup! Marcus, actually and youre the infamous Lily who studies in this all-girl school in Manila?", he replied sheepishly. Okay, so how come he knew all of this? I then realized that I have been in the water for so long that I didnt know if our parents have been talking about us. Weird. So weird.

We hit it off immediately since we both have the same taste in music (Yes, boybands are hailed heroes that time), we are both at the same age group and we love the beach. While our parents are telling each other stories, we have our own world. He lets me sing "Swear It Again" by Westlife and talk about books and how it is living in Manila, my friends and just about everything. After talking about me, I learned that in spite of being probinsyano, Mac was also considered the bad sheep in their family. He can drive at fifteen, and would take their family car when he isn't supposed to. And you know how it is about girls liking the thrill. That drew me to him. He was romantic, but exciting at the same time.

I haven't noticed that we have been talking for a long time. At 4AM, he asked, "Lily, when you go back to Manila, will I ever see or talk to you again?" And at that, I was confused. Long distance relationships aren't my thing, what more about long distance courtships.

I know I don't have to answer now. But the stars made it possible for me to feel that this is a picture perfect moment anyway.

I Captured The Moment

"Crap! I don't know what to wear!", I frantically searched for decent clothes for our Subic trip to see my eye candy, Mac. Its just so funny because I have a whole month to look date-worthy, but here I was, procrastinating again. Practicing the right move to approach him took me weeks to master. "Eye on the prize", my friends advised me before the week ends. Now that got me pressured.

Our whole family arrived at their house at 10AM. It was like a family outing-slash-reunion for my Dad and his childhood friends. Mac, as usual looked like he just stepped out of a magazine shoot. He was casual, but he can definitely make a girl take a second glance. On our way to the beach, I was making cutesy faces and hoping that he would somehow notice the effort. The funny thing is, he seems interested, but not so much that he is a big mystery to me.

After a 30-minute drive, all the kids that were with us ran to the beach once we hit the ground. My Mom wanted to document the day so she brought the videocamera but handed it to me when Tita Cely, Mac's aunt, asked her to help with our lunch. Again, I was subtle and as if filming his little brother, Adrian, but it was just an excuse to capture him inside the red box that was blinking at my camera.

And at that moment, I felt that I was in love again. Eventhough it was very different from the first time I felt my heart beating for a boy. I'm hell as sure it isnt love at first sight, but even the back of his shirt makes my chest want to leap out then and there.

Fifteen

"Guys! I met this amazing guy who looks like Stefano Mori! Now I feel like Camille Pratts in G-mik!". Yes, that was me when I was fifteen. My Mom thought it would be best to put me in a Catholic, exclusive for girls high school than making me go to a regular school. See, she has always been overprotective that it made me pissed sometimes.

I sat at our cafeteria bench with my friends as I babble about my Subic trip with my family. "So, how was he? Is he cute? Does he like you?" Piper, no doubt, would ask numerous questions especially about a guy. A certified NBSB (No boyfriend since birth), she dwells on our love lives just to prove that love really exists. "Ayun, he is cute but he was very silent. He didn't even talked to me. But were seeing each other again next month. And I'm determined to get to know him. Hahahah!", I said. Of course, when you're fifteen, and your prospect looks like a TV heartthrob, you're the epitome of coolness.

Macy, one of my numerous best friends just shot me with a "hey, let's talk later and spill all the juicy details that you should only tell your best friend" look. So once we were alone, I gave her the full blow of the trip.

"But Macy, he didn't even asked for my name. Plus, his lola is my Dad's godmother. How the hell would I know if were even related pala? And the best part of it? I didn't even got his full name. All I heard was Mac. Mac? Where did that that nickname came from anyway? Michael? Malcom? Macaroni? I can eat all this pasta and still wouldn't have a clue. And I have to wait for a month to see him again. What if everything that happened during that trip would just be a second round of the sequence?" I wailed.

"BUT WHAT IF, ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN THAT WAY? Lily, don't get so worked up on a guy you just met. Were freaking fifteen! Its not like you're going to marry him anyway", she made me shut up. See, the good thing about Macy is how she could put a good and a bad situation in one sentence.

It finally dawned to me that a month can pass by so quickly. And feelings can grow real quick too. :)

First Things First

I was a hopeless romantic. Literally and figuratively.

I fell in love when I was three years old to a guy named Devon. He had this nice hair and chinky eyes and a very dazzling smile. I was enthralled to the idea that when we grow up, he will be my Prince Charming. 'Enter Taylor Swift's Love Story here' He was the object of my affection because he was the first boy I ever kissed. But when we were five, I got grossed out to the idea that he still bottle-feeds to orange juice. So my love for him died. Yes, that was me being hopeless.

The second time I (think) I fell in love was during my fourth grade. I know, I always start young, but he was my bestfriend. And sometimes, if not most, they tend to see love in the eyes of one another. We would always be the first ones to be picked up by our school bus and last to be dropped home. Let's just say that because we both lived at the end of the usual route, and alone sitting on an almost empty vehicle at say, 7P.M, we would always get to talk about our co-"kaservice" and make fun of everyone when they are all dropped to their respective homes. His name is Reyland, a sixth grade, and does a mean Mariah Carey imitation of One Sweet Day. And yes, he was straight. He's just THAT good in singing.

Guess I was just so happy that the first guy I've been with showered me with handwritten poems which he dedicated to me and sings me love songs every chance he gets. He doesnt care about other people would say, so he pours out everything he feels without any hesitation. Not bad for sixth grader right? We even got married during our school fair. I did every impression of being shy when they dragged me to the marriage booth, but deep inside, I was head over heels to the idea that I would get my second kiss. And yes, I considered my first kiss on a cheek with a three year old boy sacred, so the second kiss is more exciting for me.

So here I am, being absolutely in love with a perfect boy, but as the school year ends, and he has to switch schools, everything ended between the two of us.

And that, I felt so devastated. Being eleven sucks for me. Little did I know I was bound to feel more heartaches than this.

My name is Lily, and just like the flower, Ive been innocent and vulnerable. But that doesn't mean I would give up on love just like that.